For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
i- i did not expect this
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*