A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Meow?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98