*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
You Might Also Like
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My last name is Zilla.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
what the
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*