Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Whoa… oh I see lol
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.