I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.