My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night