Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
excuse me
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Seems a bit forward
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?