I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I bet
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.