Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.