Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy