Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences