I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
pls suprot
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past