I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
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Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.