I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants