Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
twitter users today:
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.