Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Breaking news:
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.