My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.