Twitter fine art
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
love it when they get my name right
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??