Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.