Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
You Might Also Like
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.