This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
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♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Bringing home a sharpie
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
catch me on valentine’s day like
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon