“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
You Might Also Like
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
why isn’t he texting back
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Britain be like
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
#StillHurts
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Note to self: I am a note
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore