“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
You Might Also Like
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
monday
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please