I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You Might Also Like
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Meme Monday.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.