If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
real
Thursday Thought.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog