The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.