[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
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I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.