My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.