absolute chaos
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband