when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.