*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
every college guy’s fridge
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.