[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I am crying
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I laughed at this way too hard.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”