*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
ok this is my dumbest yet
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now