I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Care for your back
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”