*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom