I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.