I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“No way.” -Jose
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
listen closely
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.