Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
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I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I can’t stop watching this.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Best seat on the street 😍
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.