Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
thanks auntie mary
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve