ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway