Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
birds and squirrels envy us
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
#NeverForget
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap