Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.