Milk Cube
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.