ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
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The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.