If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.