5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer