Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.