[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
why isn’t he texting back
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man