If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one