ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
crazy
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.